ANGRY, REBELLIOUS…TERRIFIED.

Trigger Warning: sexual abuse, violence, trauma, suicide, grief, rape.

(USA) FEEL SUICIDAL? CALL 988 988 (National Suicide Prevention)

(UK) FEEL SUICIDAL? CALL 116 123 (The Samaritans)





My second trauma therapy has taken me a couple of days to process. What happened before it. What we spoke about. What I figured out.


Following my first session, 2 days previously, I felt so motivated, liberated and excited for the life I could live, when I am healed.


The next morning, I woke up with that same eager mindset - ready… ready to do the work. To get better. 


Then a thing happened.


A thing that made fear for my life. The thing that happened made my legs buckle from underneath me, altered my vision, and left me cowering on the bathroom floor screaming “NO” over and over. 

THE THING?


A male tradesperson/builder needed to access my garden.


THE GUY?


Probably a nice person. The guy had my permission to be on my property.


A miscommunication in how he would get there (over the fence was agreed - but not WHICH FENCE) triggered the part of my brain called the amygdala. This part of the brain is activated when you’re in acute danger. It takes over EVERY OTHER FUNCTION. 


When I unexpectedly saw the guy marching through my garden and straight toward me, as I sat in the kitchen, my brain was hijacked by the amygdala.


Like the reflex in your knee, or the need to close your eyes when you sneeze…. There was nothing I could do to stop it. Rational brain function was redundant. My voice, my body, my senses were hijacked.


PTSD or cPTSD flashbacks are triggered by a memory that the subconscious brain has not processed, stored just below the surface. These incorrectly filed memories can fight their way into the present, causing a Brain (Amygdala) Hijack.


80% of my cPTSD is the result of multi perpetrator, invasive, violent abuse. From men.




THE BRAIN HIJACK?
Being chased by an axe murderer? Thank fuck for amygdala hijack.
Saving a child on the tracks of a speeding train? Thank fuck for amygdala hijack.
Polite builder in your garden, with permission? FFS amygdala hijack.



THE TRIGGER?


My current state of mind was initially triggered by a drunk stranger banging on my window at 3am, 6 weeks ago. 


When someone who has cPTSD/PTSD/history of trauma is triggered, in a way such as I was, they may seem to recover from the initial reaction, within days or even hours. But their amygdala ‘barometer’ can be measuring at just below mercury, for a long time after the trigger occurred. Triggers that may previously have caused anxiety, now pull the hijack trigger.


The builder did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. The drunk window banger is a dick head. But he is not to blame for this.


Blame lies solely on the disgusting perpetrators of the crimes against me, and no doubt, countless others.


I’m angry. 


Sometimes I feel like a lost little girl. But with each day that passes I rebel harder against this status quo that has defined so much of my life.


I reject asking for permission to turn on a light.


I reject making myself small.


I reject not being listened to.


I reject judgment.


I reject shame.


I reject the status quo.


I will do what the fuck I want. 



THE THERAPY


So how is therapy going? Not exactly in a straight line. But hugely beneficial for working this shit out.


This is a long road.


I have lots more to share, but it can wait.




_______________________


GET SUPPORT


USA


IF YOU FEEL SUICIDAL CALL 988 988 (National Suicide Prevention) https://psychcentral.com/.../complex-posttraumatic-stress..



UK


. IF YOU FEEL SUICIDAL CALL 116 123 (The Samaritans) CPTSD: https://www.mind.org.uk/.../post-traumatic.../complex-ptsd/______________________





All of my lyrics are based on these experiences and the symptoms of my traumas. There is a link on my homepage if you would like to listen.






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