Anna Grace
- Jun 23, 2023
- 5 min read

THERE. I SAID IT.

Updated: Jun 24, 2023

PERSONAL BLOG

⚠️Contains strong language. Please do not read if you are likely to be offended

23rd June 2023

There is a beast in the room.

An insidious, gnawing little monster that we don't always acknowledge. Loneliness, an artful dodger of emotions.

It is a sneaky one. Camouflaging itself behind a variety of facades - workaholism, partying, midnight haribo binges - you know the score.

In my late thirties, I have more than a passing acquaintance with this beast - I'm single, both of my parents are dead, I am childless, and I am neurodiverse with very few close friends who understand the nuances of my world. And I'm also very busy.

Loneliness has nestled itself into the crevices of my life, and today on what would have been my Mum's birthday; it feels all consuming.

My lovely Mum would have been 63 today. 💔

It's a cruel irony, isn't it? In a world where we're more connected than ever, we often find ourselves feeling adrift, sailing on a sea of isolation. Floating in the digital abyss, where words lose their weight, as we send silent signals into the void, hoping someone will tune in.

I've spent the last 6+ months living, breathing, and eating my work, pushing to get Fierce PR and Fierce Futures off the ground. The typical UK start-up, according to a survey by QuickBooks, spends an average of 52 hours a week working. My work week easily pushes past 100 hours.

My sleep is royally F*CKED up.

Yes, it’s unsustainable - but right now - this workaholic lifestyle isn't a choice, but a necessity. I’m in too deep - eek . I’m committed.

Everything's in.

I have a large mortgage to pay, and loads of other responsibilities - like the responsibility to myself to eat, for example.

Every penny I earn goes directly back into my businesses, a practice shared by 81% of UK entrepreneurs who reinvest their profits (Aldermore Future Attitudes report).

A BREAK? OH I DIDNT THINK OF THAT.

So, when well-meaning folk suggest, "You need a break," though grateful for their warmth, it elicits frustration.

Their well meaning words bounce off the walls of my incessantly buzzing brain. But with three major events looming this month alone, like the rumbling of a menacing (but also exciting) thunderstorm - my life feels as precarious as a house of cards. And these words feel as hollow as a drum.

Being self-employed, with no safety net; launching two businesses with no capital investment, grants or loans, makes the tightrope I'm walking on feel like it's been greased with butter.

Failing is just not an option.

If I stop, the bills pile up, Jimi 🐶 doesn’t get his Bonios, and Luna 🐱 misses out on turning her nose up at £5 a pop tiny-tin cat food

And the reality of a mortgage default grows fangs.

I don’t have anyone to rely on. No Mum or Dad to call if the shit hits the fan and I need to borrow a tenner.

No spare key that unlocks the safety net of their warm house, with a fridge full of food, a shoulder cry on and a couch to surf on.

If I fail, I’m f*cked.

The reality is that I am terrified - terrified of failing - to the extent I have nightmares about ending up on the street, of losing everything I've worked so hard to build.

Yes, it might seem unlikely, but fear doesn't trade in probabilities. It trades in 'what-ifs,' and those can be just as daunting.

So no, I can't slow down, not yet.

STRUGGLING

Friends, I’m going to say it - I’ve been struggling. Big time.

One of the sh*ttest feelings in the world is that of invisibility - yes I am all over social media, on the radio, and in the papers promoting one project or another… but that's not what I mean. The complex layers underneath are out of sight - and out of mind.

And I feel a profound sadness to know that I have no one in my life who would notice, day to day, when I’m not quite feeling myself.

In the midst of this critical work/being able to eat period, I am also traversing the split from my husband, who I shared my life with for 9 years (someone I care about deeply, and am on very good terms with - but yeah - it's still massive).

And on top of that? I am bracing myself for battle.

It's no secret that I am also dealing with the re-trauma of a Met Police investigation, into a crime against me of a historic multi perpetrator sexual abuse and cooercive . The gravity of which weighs heavily on my consciousness, a boulder I lug uphill every day.

The protracted nature of the case, likely extending another year or two, adds an additional layer of attrition to my day to day.

Urgh.

GETTING REAL

And as its my life purpose to foster a culture of fearless self expression; where every voice is important and diversity is not just a tick box, but reflects the nuances of life experience... I had better put my money where my mouth is.

Listen, I’M LONELY!

Friends, old and new, I'm waving at you from this side of the digital abyss.

I need you.

Selfishly, this doesn’t mean I’m going to be able to hang out any time soon, or that I’ll reply to your messages within a standard time frame.

But when I do down tools at midnight, it would be nice to see a message.

This hectic, stressful period is finite. Come August, I will have less pressure and will be taking two weeks off. Until then, I need to buckle down and ride out the storm.

I know I look like the grumpy cat and I’m snappy and highly strung.

I am not exactly relaxing to be around, some might say.

But its not because I don't value your friendship, its because I'm under an immeasurable amount of pressure.

And I still need you. There, I said it.

It's hard to articulate this feeling. That I need help. It's a vulnerable position, but it's one I find necessary to assume. Admitting that we're struggling isn't a sign of weakness; it's an act of courage.

**IT'S OK TO ADMIT YOU FEEL LIKE SH*T**

It is time we foster an environment where open, honest conversations about our struggles are encouraged. It's time to reach out to friends, family, and colleagues, not just to share our burdens but also to lend a listening ear to theirs.

Many among us are fighting silent battles.

It would be cool if we could collectively foster a society where we're allowed to be LOUD.

To be human. Where it's okay to say, "I'm scared" and where everyone feels seen and heard. It's not a utopian dream; it's a necessity for our collective well-being.

Big hugs to anyone struggling too.

____________________________________________.